


Feelings Are Fatal

by orphan_account



Series: Can't Get Over You [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Also the entirety of Season One of TUA, Angst, Daddy Issues, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, I have no idea what else to tag, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Multi, Number Five | The Boy Being an Asshole, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Protective Number Five | The Boy, There’s more characters but i can’t be bothered to type them, and he gets it, no beta we die like ben
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:55:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26769115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The next thing I knew, I was face down on the floor.I stood up quickly, looking around “What?!”“Does anyone else see...little Number Five, or is that just me?”I looked down. The first thing I noticed, I was....a lot shorter. And a 13 year old.What?Five was also younger. He looked exactly like he did when I just met him. Which was strange......Because that was 45 fucking years ago.“Shit.”
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Original Character(s), Number Five | The Boy/Original Male Character(s)
Series: Can't Get Over You [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1922125
Comments: 11
Kudos: 52





	1. We Only See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals

“Are you sure this’ll work, Five?” I asked. He shot an icy look my way, one that said ‘If you ask that again, you’re not coming with me.’ 

I nodded, looking over the fence. The deadline was coming up pretty soon. Would we make it?

....Was that a fire extinguisher? 

“Now!” Five yelled, grabbing my hand.

The next thing I knew, I was face down on the floor. 

I stood up quickly, looking around “What?!”

“Does anyone else see...little Number Five, or is that just me?”

I looked down. The first thing I noticed, I was....a lot shorter. And a 13 year old. 

What? 

Five was also younger. He looked exactly like he did when I just met him. Which was strange...

...Because that was 45 fucking years ago. 

“Shit.”

___________________

“What’s the date? The exact date.” Five asked, grabbing bread. I was leaning against counter, watching them. 

“The 24th...”  
“Of?”  
“March.”

He paused. “Good.” The large man, who I assumed was Luther, looked confused. “So, are we gonna talk about what just happened? And who the hell that is?” He pointed at  
me. I rolled my eyes “I’m Sam. Samuel Brandt.” “And...?”

Five sighed “He’s my boyfriend. Now can we please get back to the matter at hand?” He stated. Luther stood up “It’s been 17 years!” He said. “It’s been a lot longer than that.” Five retorted, teleporting across the room “I didn’t miss that..” Luther muttered. I smirked. A different one cut in this time, Who I assumed was Diego. “Where’d you go?” He asked. “The future. It’s shit, by the way-“ “Called it!” 

“And did you meet him there?” He pointed at me, “No, he tackled me in by mistake.” I said. Jesus, this family was dysfunctional. 

Five sighed “Ah, I should’ve listened to the old man. You know, jumping through space is one thing. Jumping through time is a toss of the dice.” He looked up. “Nice dress.” “Oh, well, danke!” Vanya looked up “Wait, how did you get back?” 

“In the end, I had to project our consciousnesses forward into a suspended quantum state version of ourselves, that exists across every possible instance of time.” Five explained

Show off. 

“That makes no sense.”  
“Well, it would if you were smarter.” Diego shot up, only to be blocked by Luther. “How long were you both there?” He asked “45 years. Give or take.” They both sat down “So what are you saying? That you’re 58..?” Luther asked “No, my consciousness is 58. Apparently, my body is now 13 again.” Five said. “Wait, how does that even work?” Vanya asked, confused. “I told him the equations were off. And guess who was right?” “Shut up.” 

Five picked up the newspaper, looking at the front page. “Hmm. Guess I missed the funeral.” “How do you know about that?” I rolled my eyes “What part of ‘the future’ do you not understand, you dummkopf?” I said. Five chuckled at the insult. “Heart failure, huh?” “Yeah-“ “No.” Luther cut Diego off. The rest of the family averted their eyes. “Nice to see nothings changed!” Five walked out of the room. I smiled “Nice to meet you~”I went to go follow Five. But then, the one wearing the dress stopped me “Wait wait waitwaitwait-“ I turned to him “Yes?” He took a deep breath

“Boyfriend?” 

___________________

Five had changed into one of his old uniforms. I had just stuck my old hoodie on. “Hey, it’s like nothing changed!” I said, smiling at him. He rolled his eyes. 

Vanya walked up to us “Nice to know dad didn’t forget me.” Five said, turning to her. She stayed silent “We read your book, by the way.” I went silent too, looking down at my shoes. 

He paused “It was...good. All things considered. Definitely ballsy, giving up the family secrets. I’m sure that went over well.” 

She sighed “They hate me.” I felt a twinge of pity. Five didn’t seem to care “Well, there are worse things that can happen.” “You mean like what happened to Ben?” Five looked at her “...Was it bad?” He asked. She nodded.

___________________

They headed outside for the funeral. I stayed by the door, it...wasn’t really my place to be there. Especially due to the fact I threatened to kill old man Hargreeves on a daily basis. Grace looked around “Did something happen?” She asked. “Dad died. Remember?” Allison said. “Oh. Yes, of course.” 

“Is mom okay?” She asked. “-Yeah, yeah, she’s fine.” Diego responded. I don’t think anyone actually believed him. “She just needs to rest. Y’know, recharge.” 

Pogo walked up to the group “Whenever you’re ready, dear boy.” He said. Luther opened Reginald’s urn and poured the contents onto the ground. “....Probably would’ve been better with some wind.” He said. Pogo interrupted the awkward silence that followed “Does anyone wish to speak?” He asked. At this point, I was pretty much drenched with rain, so I was happy when nobody spoke. “The sooner this is over, the better.” I muttered to myself. 

Pogo looked around. “...Very well. In all regards, Sir Reginald Hargreeves made me what I am today.” He paused “For that alone, I shall forever be in his debt. He was my master, and my friend, and I shall miss him very much.”

“He leaves behind a complicated legacy-“ He was a monster” Diego cut him off. “He was a bad person and a worse father.” I genuinely didn’t think I should’ve been listening at this point. “The worlds better off without him-“ “Diego-“ “My name is Number Two. You know why? Because our father couldn’t be bothered to give us actual names. He had Mom do it-“  
I looked away. I genuinely contemplated heading inside, but then I heard a fight start. 

Diego and Luther had begun fighting. “Boys! Stop this at once!” Pogo yelled. But he was ignored. I took a step back, pressing myself against the wall. 

Then I heard a crash. Ben’s statue went tumbling to the ground. “And there goes Ben’s statue...” Said Allison.

Then Diego pulled out a knife. I just headed inside at this point, the world was ending in a week and these idiots were fighting instead of being competent, functioning adults. I didn’t have to babysit them.

___________________

“Where’s Vanya?” Allison asked, walking into the kitchen. I looked up from my phone “Oh, she left.” I said. “An entire square block, forty-two bedrooms, 19 bathrooms, but no, not a single drop of coffee.” Five said. I snorted, looking away. “Dad hated caffeine.” “Well, he hated children, too, and he had plenty of us.” 

The room fell into silence. “...I’m taking the car.” Five said “Where are you going?” “To get a decent cup of coffee.” “Do you even know how to drive?” Allison asked “I know how to do everything.” He answered, grabbing my hand and teleporting out of the house. 

___________________

We arrived at a place called ‘Griddy’s Doughnuts’. Five sat down by the counter and rang the bell. I barely paid attention to my surroundings and got lost in thought. I did, however, notice a gun being loaded behind my head. 

“Hm. That was fast. I thought we’d have more time before they found us.” Five muttered. The man behind him spoke “Okay. So let’s all be professional about this, yeah? On your feet and come with us. They wanna talk.” “I’ve got nothing to say.”

I gripped the knife in my waistband quickly. 

“It doesn’t have to go this way. You think I wanna shoot a kid? Go home with that on my conscience?”

“Well, I wouldn’t worry about that. You won’t be going home.”

___________________

I stabbed the last guy in the head, pulling the knife out quickly. “Give me your arm.” Five said. I nodded, quickly rolling up my sleeve. He grabbed my knife and sliced my arm open, pulling out a tracking device. Then he did the same for himself. We then walked outside, and he chucked both of them in different directions. “That should keep em busy.” He said, adjusting his tie.

___________________

We arrived at Vanya’s apartment. I hated how familiar it felt, more than anything else. Five sat down on the sofa and waited for Vanya to arrive.

She eventually did, unlocking the door and going to turn the light on, but Five turned on a lamp before she could. “Jesus-“ “You should have locks on your windows.” He said “....I live on the second floor.” “Rapists can climb.” She sighed, dumping her keys onto the radiator. “You are so weird.” 

She shut the door and sat down “Is that blood?” She asked, looking at Five “It’s nothing.” “Why are you here?” He paused “I’ve decided you’re the only one I can trust.” “Why me?” “Because you’re ordinary.” 

“Because you’ll listen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it!


	2. Run Boy Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus smashes a snow globe Hazel and Cha-Cha make an entrance

“....Okay.”

Vanya got up, abruptly heading towards the bathroom. She came back with first aid supplies. Five rolled up his sleeve and let her clean up his wound. “What about you? Are you hurt too?” She asked, looking at me “Me? Uh, yeah- It’s not a big deal though-“ She was already cleaning it by the time I was able to completely register what was happening. She was...not what I expected. Especially because my first impression of her was her book. 

And...well, that wasn’t a good first impression, to put it lightly.

“When I jumped forward and got stuck in the future, do you know what I found?” Five said, breaking the somewhat awkward silence. “No.” “Nothing. Absolutely nothing. As far as I could tell, me and Sam were the last people left alive. I never figured out what killed the human race, but...” He paused “I did find something else.”

“The date it happens.” 

I looked away. The apocalypse wasn’t something I was very keen on remembering. “The world ends in eight days, and I have no idea how to stop it.” 

Vanya looked down, taking in the information. “...I’ll put on a pot of coffee.” 

_______________

“We survived on scraps, mostly. Canned food, cockroaches, anything I could find. You know that rumour that Twinkies have an endless shelf life? Well, it’s total bullshit.” Vanya looked surprisingly calm for someone who had just been told she had eight days to live. “I can’t even imagine.” She said “You do whatever it takes to survive, or you die. So we adapted. Whatever the world threw at us, we found a way to overcome it.” 

I chuckled, somewhat sadly, “Not gonna lie, there were a few times where I thought we weren’t gonna make it.” 

“I...that sounds horrible.” She said, looking down. “You got anything stronger?” Five asked quickly, avoiding talking more about it, at least for the time being. Vanya nodded, getting up and walking towards her kitchen. Five stood up and followed her. I quickly pulled my phone out and set a reminder for seven days time, I liked being prepared. Vanya came back with some alcohol, and handed it to Five.  
“You think i’m crazy.” He said “No- It- It’s just- It’s a lot to take in-” “What exactly don’t you understand?” “Why didn’t you just time travel back?” I actually face palmed at this. She was a nice girl but- wow. “Gee, wish I thought of that!” Five said sarcastically. “Time travel is a crapshoot. I went into the ice and never acorn-ed. You think I didn’t try everything to get back to my family?” Vanya nodded “If..you two grew old there, you know, in the apocalypse, how come you still look like a kid?” She asked “I told you already, I must have got the equations wrong-“ Five walked over to the counter to pour out another drink. “I mean, Dad always used to say that...time travel could mess up your mind. Well, maybe that’s what’s happening?” 

Y’know, I understood that this could be hard to believe, but- Seriously. Did we really look like insane people? Why did she find it so hard to believe us? I sighed, looking down at my shoes. 

“This was a mistake. You’re too young. Too naive to understand-“ He headed towards the door “No. Five- Five, wait- I haven’t seen you in a long time, and I don’t want to lose you again. That’s all.” Vanya paused “You know what, it’s getting late, and...I have lessons early, and I need to sleep, and i’m sure you do, too.” She headed towards the sofa, pulling out a blanket. “We’ll talk in the morning again, okay? I promise. Goodnight.” She walked away. 

“Well! That wasn’t a colossal failure, I guess-“ I said, sitting down. “What do we do now? I mean- She obviously wants us to sleep, but I don’t think I’ve been able to for a while.” I asked “We’re leaving, and trying to find the owner of this eye.” He pulled out the eye he’d been carrying since we met. “Jeez- You really think we could actually find something? I mean- We’ve done a lot of digging already.” Five paused “It’s not like we have a choice. C’mon.” He stood up, gently opening the door. 

_______________

Eventually, we found our way to some prosthetics company called MeriTech. “I can’t help but feel like this won’t be much help.” I said while we waited “I know, but we’ve got to try.” 

An employee noticed us standing around, walking over to us “Can I help you?” He asked “I need to know who this belongs to.” Five stated “Where did you get that?” “Why do you care?” They stared at eachother. “I...I found it...at a playground, actually. Must have just...popped out.” I held back a smile. “I wanna return it to its rightful owner.” The employee looked at us “Uh- I’m sorry, but patient records are strictly confidential. That means I can’t tell you-” “Yeah, I know what it means.” I swear, I really wanted to slap this bitch- Do we look like idiots? “But I’ll tell you what I can do. I will take the eye off your hands and return it to the owner. I’m sure he- or she, will be very grateful, so if I can just-“ “Yeah, you’re not touching this eye.” The man seemed to take offence at this “Now, you listen here, young man-“ “No! You listen to me, asshole.” Five had grabbed the man and pulled him down to his eye level, “We’ve come a long way for this, through some shit your pea brain couldn’t even comprehend, so just give me the information I need, and i’ll be on my merry way.” He paused for a second “And if you call me ‘young man’ one more time, i’m going to put your head through that damn wall.” He threatened. I noticed the receptionist calling security “Five-“ I shot a death glare at the receptionist before heading towards the door. “Well, That was an absolute clusterfuck! I swear to all that is holy, if I see that little shit again i’m going to put my knife through his fucking head.” Five smirked “A part of me wishes you did.” 

_______________

We eventually just headed back to Reggie’s house and Five briefly told Klaus something. After that interaction, I sat down on the floor, toying with the strings on my hoodie. I hadn’t realised Vanya had come in until I heard Five address her. “Sorry I left without saying goodbye.” He said “No- Look, I’m the one that should be sorry.” He walked over to her “I was dismissive and- I- I guess I didn’t know how to process what you were saying. And I still can’t, to be honest.” “Maybe you were right to be dismissive.” He sighed “Maybe it wasn’t real after all.” This time, I was the confused one. What did he mean by that? Of course it was real. “It felt real. But, like you said, the old man did say time travel could contaminate the mind.” Vanya paused “Then maybe i’m not the right person for you to be talking to. Look, I used to see someone. A therapist, I could give you her information-“ “Thanks, but, I think i’m just gonna get some rest. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a good sleep.” Vanya nodded, walking out the room. “You’re not actually gonna sleep, are you?” I asked “Obviously not. We haven’t had a good sleep since 2023, I wasn’t going to start now-“ He was cut off by Klaus rolling out of the wardrobe. “That’s so....” He continued to fall out, knocking out random objects “...Touching, all that stuff about family and Dad and time. Wow!” “Will you shut up? She’ll hear you!” He giggled “I’m moist.” Five rolled his eyes “I thought I told you to put on something professional.” “This is my nicest outfit!” “Whatever, we’ll raid the old man’s closet.” I stood up. “As long as I get paid-“ “When the job is done.” “Okay, But just so we’re clear on the finer details, I just gotta go into this place and pretend to be your dear old dad, correct?” Five turned around “Yeah, something like that.” “What’s our cover story? And what is he?” Klaus pointed at me “What? What are you talking about?” “I mean, was I really young when i had you? Like, 16? Like, young and...terribly misguided. And is Sam your boyfriend or brother in this?” “Sure, and boyfriend, obviously.” “But what if they’re homophobic? What if they refuse to serve us because you’re gay?” He gasped “What about your mother? What if she left me because you’re gay! That would be sad, cause the sex was amazing.” “What a disturbing glimpse into that thing you call a brain.” Klaus frowned “Don’t make me put you in time out!” 

We walked to Reginald’s room. “Why do you follow Five around like you’re his pet?” He asked. I looked at him. “Say that again, and I’ll slit your throat.” I said it with all the venom I could muster in my caffeine deprived state. He looked genuinely scared “Okay, jeez.” 

_______________

“Like I said to your son earlier, any information about the prosthetics we build is strictly confidential. Without the clients consent, I simply can’t help you.” Five rolled his eyes “Well, We can’t get consent if you don’t give us a name.” The man shrugged “Well, that’s not my problem. Sorry. Now, there’s really nothing more I can do, so-“ Klaus jumped in “And what about my consent?” “Excuse me?” “Who gave you permission...To lay to hands...on my son?” “What?” The employee, me, and Five said in unison. “You heard me.” “I didn’t touch your son.” Klaus stood up “Oh, really? Well, then how did he get that swollen lip, then?” “He doesn’t have a swollen lip-“ 

Klaus punched Five across the face. I instinctively reached for my knife before remembering what we were actually doing. 

“I want it. Name, please. Now.” Klaus said, leaning onto the desk. I shot Five a quick ‘Are you okay?’ glance. He nodded. I turned my attention back to the matter at hand. “You’re crazy.” The employee said. Klaus chuckled “You got no idea.” He picked up the large snow globe that was on the desk. “‘Peace on earth.’ That’s so sweet.” He smashed the snow globe directly onto his forehead. “God, that hurt!” The employee grabbed his phone, “I’m calling security- What are you doing?” Klaus grabbed the phone from him “There’s been an assault in Mr. Big’s office, and we need security, now. Schnell!” He yelled into the phone before dropping it onto the table. He sighed “Now, here’s what’s gonna happen, Grant.” “It’s...Lance-“ “In about 60 seconds, two security guards are gonna burst through that door, and they’re gonna see a whole lot of blood, and they’re gonna wonder, ‘What the hell happened?’ and we’re gonna tell them that you...beat the shit out of us.” He sobbed dramatically. “You’re gonna do great in prison, Grant. Trust me, i’ve been there. Little piece of chicken like you. Oh my god, you’re gonna get passed around like a- You’re just- You’re gonna do great, that’s all i’m saying.” The employee stared at us, his voice shakey “Jesus, you are a real sick bastard-“ “Oh, trust me honey, that’s not even the worst of it.” I said, nonchalantly pulling out my knife and dangling it in the air.

_______________

Next thing we knew, Mr. Scaredy-cat was rifling through some files. “Oh, that’s strange.” “What?” “Uh, the eye. It hasn’t been purchased by a client yet-“ Klaus jumped over the table to look for himself “Well, Uh, our logs say that the eye with that serial number...This can’t be right. It hasn’t even been manufactured yet. Where did you get that eye?” 

_______________

“Well, this is not good.” Five said, walking out of the establishment “That’s an understatement. This was a terrible revelation.” I added, “I was pretty good though, right? ‘Yeah, what about my consent, bitch?’ He giggled “Klaus- It doesn’t matter.” “What? What’s the big deal with this eye, anyway?” “There is someone out there who’s going to lose an eye in the next seven days. They’re gonna bring about the end of life on this Earth as we know it.” Klaus sighed “Yeah, can I get that 20 bucks, like, now, or what?” Five turned around “Your 20 bucks?” “Yeah, my 20 bucks.” “The apocalypse is coming, and all you can think about is getting high?” Klaus smiled “Well, i’m also quite hungry. Tummy’s a-rumblin’ ” He imitated his stomach groaning. “...You’re useless.” Five said. “You’re all useless!” “Aw, c’mon! You need to lighten up, old man. Hey! You know, i’ve just now realised why you’re so uptight! Sam must’ve not been a good lover!” This time I turned around “Ex-fucking-cuse me?” “Yeah, I said it! You must’ve completely sucked at the whole sex thing! I mean, just look at him!” He pointed at Five. I stared at  
him, a mixture of shock and disbelief on my face “You- What the actual fuck? I’m probably better than you by light years.” “Oh really? Then explain to me why Five is acting like a 58 year old man who hasn’t once come in his life?” 

I punched him directly in the mouth. “I have better things to do than argue with a 30 year old druggie. We’re leaving. Five, lass uns gehen.” Five nodded, getting up. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Klaus?” He said. 

_______________

“Where exactly are we going?” I asked. It was raining, and I was cold. “I don’t know. Somewhere where I can figure out what the hell to do next. That eye wasn’t my only hope, but i’ve been carrying it around for years now.” I sighed “I could show you my neighbourhood? Take your mind off of it until tomorrow.” He nodded “Yeah. That sounds nice.” 

It would’ve been. 

We where about halfway there when I noticed someone in the shadows. Commission, Definitely. “Five. Look behind you.” I muttered. He turned around, only to quickly teleport us out of the way. They had began shooting up the street. I quickly realised there where two of them. “Shit shit shit shit-“ I ran out of the way, planning on attempting to slit their achilles’ tendon.  
I managed to get behind a building, hiding myself from view. I heard Five teleport across the street “Did you see that?” “You said Five was special. So now what?” “Look down the alleys. They couldn’t have gone far.”  
I took a deep breath and ran out across the street, throwing my knife into one of their legs. “Fuck! You little shit!” The one in the pink mask began shooting at me while trying to pull the knife out of her leg. She managed to shoot out a street lamp, which allowed me to slide into an alleyway. She got the knife out and threw it in my direction, trying to hit me. I let it smack against the concrete before picking it up and shoving it back into my pocket. 

They both converged onto my alleyway, cornering me. They hesitated momentarily, and I took that chance to slash at the blue one and make a run for it. Five quickly grabbed me and teleported me into an alleyway they hadn’t gone into just yet. “Give me your knife.” He said. I nodded, silently handing him the bloody object. He ran over to the duo and stabbed the pink one in the back, before running off. I could tell he was running out of energy. 

I ran over to him as soon as he got close, pulling him into a opening, and darting around the first corner I saw. They seemed to lose us after that, and we heard them give up. But we didn’t leave until about an hour later. 

I was completely out of breath. Five leaned his head on my shoulder, taking a deep breath. “Are you okay..?” He asked “Yeah- Yeah, i’m fine. Are you?” “A bit exhausted, but that was obvious.” 

“At least you’re okay.” 

_______________

He brought us back to Reginald’s place. I was still clutching onto my knife tightly, not daring to put it back. What was I expecting? The commission to just, forget we existed? I wiped some of the blood off my mouth. Allison and Luther noticed us walking up the stairs “Five? Sam? What the hell happened to you?” Luther looked at him “Are you okay? Can we help-“ Five grabbed his wrist “Theres nothing you can do.” 

“There’s nothing any of you can do.” 

_______________

Five brought us up into his room, and I sat down on his bed. He sat down next to me and wrapped his arm around me “It’s okay. We’ll get through this.” I nodded, holding him close. “I hope so.” 

He looked around “What now? Neither of us are in a state to go looking around. But...I’m not going to be able to sleep.” He said. I thought for a second, “I can make some coffee, or tea or something. I don’t know, maybe Allison or something restocked the coffee. Doesn’t hurt to look.” He nodded, and I stood up, heading downstairs to the kitchen. It took a while but I eventually found some coffee. It was expired, but, hey, we were used to that. 

I eventually came back upstairs with two cups of coffee. Five took his gratefully, and we drank in silence. It was a comfortable silence. Neither of us wanted to talk, and we were both still on edge, but at least we weren’t alone. 

At least we had eachother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took way too long to write 
> 
> I hope you enjoy! I’m updating weekly.


	3. Extra Ordinary & Man on the Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MeriTech explodes, Five & Sam get drunk, and Luther calls Sam untrustworthy.

Five was busy stitching up his wound while I washed the blood off my face and knife. “I’m not really sure what I expected from them.” I said, absent-mindedly. He quickly stuck on a bandaid before putting his uniform back on. He then opened his window “C’mon, we’re leaving.” “Again?” “I don’t want to stay in one place for too long.” 

We noticed Klaus rifling around in a garbage container right below us “I’m trying to find whatever...priceless crap was in that priceless box so that Pogo will get off my ass!” I climbed down onto the ground. “I’d ask what you’re up to, Klaus, but then it occurred to me...I don’t care.” Five said, hopping down next to me. “Hey! You know there are easier ways out of the house, buddy?” “This one involved the least amount of talking. Or so I thought.” “Hey hey hey, so, you need any more company today? I could, uh....clear my schedule.” Klaus asked, leaning over the container he was standing in. “I don’t think so. Anyway, you look busy.” I said. Was I still salty? Maybe. “With this? No, no. I can do this whenever! I’m just-“ He fell down into the container. “I just misplaced something! That’s all.” I rolled my eyes. “Oh! Found it, Thank god!” He pulled out a...trash bagel? And took a bite out of it. “....Delicious!” “I’m done funding your drug habit.” Five said, beginning to walk away. “Come on! You don’t— Maybe I just wanna hang out with my brother! Not you. ¡Mi Hermano! I love you! Even if you can’t love yourself!” I rolled my eyes, climbing into the back of the van Five had just stolen. He drove off, leaving Klaus in the dumpster. “What do you think he was looking for so desperately?” I asked “I don’t know, something of Dads. Probably something he can sell to get more drugs.” Five said, driving to the MeriTech building. “Didn’t the guy say it wasn’t even manufactured?” “Yes, but I don’t care. I’ll wait until it is, then snipe the guy who gets it!” “Of course. Murder.” “Like what you tried to do to that commission drone?” “It was self defence!” “I saw the look on your face.” I crossed my arms and turned away from him “Unlike what you think, I do not, in fact, enjoy it.” I said. 

“Sure.” 

_______________

Next thing I knew, all I could see was destroyed buildings “What- Why am I back here? We- We got back-“ 

I was awoken to Luther getting into the car. It was just a dream. Five looked panicked, but he was trying his best to not show it. “You okay?” Luther asked “You shouldn’t be...How did you find me?” I turned around to see Klaus right behind me “HOLY-“ I full on nearly fell into the front of the car “GET OUT! You can’t be here!” He threw something at Klaus. “I’m in the middle of something!” “What? Making out with your boyfriend?” Klaus made kissy noises “I- No?” He crawled up to the front, next to me “Any luck finding your one-eyed man?” He asked “No.” whispered Five, making it very clear he did NOT want to talk about it. “What’s he talking about?” Luther asked, completely disregarding what Five was making abundantly clear. “It doesn’t matter. It’s Klaus.” Five sighed “What do you want, Luther?” He asked “Uhm, so, Grace may have had something to do with Dad’s death. So I need you to come back to the academy, all right? It’s important.” Five turned away “‘It’s important.’ You have no concept of what’s important.” “Hey! Did I ever tell you guys about the time I waxed my ass with chocolate pudding? It was so painful!” Klaus asked. My face morphed into a look of disgust “What are you still doing here?” “I- What? I need an excuse to hang out with my family? Sam included!” “Please don’t include me, I’m not a part of this mess-“ “Shhhh, You’re one of us now.” Five sighed “Luther’s got a point, you should get out.” “What?” 

Klaus pouted, but climbed out of the vehicle. “Fine! But you’re still one of us, Sam! Don’t deny it!” I flipped him off. 

“What the hell are you up to, Five?” Luther asked “Believe me, you wouldn’t understand.” “Try me. Last I checked, I’m still the leader of this family.” “Families shouldn’t have hierarchies, Luther!” I said “I’m sorry, why are you a part of this again?” “Hey. Don’t be rude.” Five said. “...You know what your problem is?” “Really hoping you’ll tell me.” “You think you’re better than us.” Luther sounded frustrated. It happens to people not used to Five’s personality. “You always have. Even when we were kids. But the truth is, you’re just as messed up as the rest of us. We’re all you have. And you know it.” At this point, I was tired of this man’s bullshit. He really needed to get off his high horse. “I don’t think i’m better than you, Number One. I know I am.” He took a deep breath “I’ve done unimaginable things, thing you couldn’t even comprehend.” “Right.” “Just to get back here and save you all.” 

“Hey bitches!” I heard Klaus running across the street. He was being chased after by someone and seemed to be carrying stolen food. 

“...Now i’m starting to wonder if that was the wisest decision.” 

_______________

“Five. We’re wasting time. There’s only six days left, and we’re sitting here doing nothing.” I said, sitting up. The sun had set, and it wasn’t exactly warm inside the van. “You know, you don’t have to tell me that. I know there are only six days left. Have you got a better idea?” “Well, no.” Five sighed. An employee walked through the door, leaving the establishment. Five perked up “There’s our guy.” He said, watching him carefully. We watched the guy put a bag in a car and take something, possibly money? Which is..sketchy, to say the least. “What the hell is he up to?” Five said. 

He grabbed my arm and spacial jumped out of the vehicle, following the man. I stumbled “Jeez- Warn me next time!” “Sorry-“ 

_______________

We followed him around for hours. Eventually ending up by his car. “I’m gonna need your knife.” Five said, I nodded and handed him the blood stained object. The man loaded his dog into the car and Five teleported in, holding the knife to his throat. “One chance. That’s all you’ve got. ONE chance to tell me EXACTLY what’s going on in that lab.” “I- I manufacture prosthetic devices for fake patients- I bill the insurance companies and then sell them for cash on the black market-“ “Including eyeballs?” “Yeah, They’re my biggest seller- I mean, they sell like hotcakes. I- I’ve got a list, a waiting list, probably 20 buyers.” “So, the serial number I told you...” “Uh, could’ve already been bought. Yes, Off- Off the books.” Five sighed “I needed that list, Lance. Names AND numbers, and I need it now!” ”I don’t have it- I mean, not on me. The only copy’s in my safe at the lab-“ “Well, you stat the car, then, cause we’re going on a field trip. Sam!” I quickly got in the car, “Finally. I thought i’d miss out on all the action.” 

But, by the time we got to the building, it was already engulfed in flames. Five ran towards it, but it exploded almost immediately. He was knocked back by the shockwave and I instantly ran to his aid, but the building was completely destroyed, and rubble was everywhere. It gave me a sick sense of deja vu. 

I swear, i’m going to kill these commission bastards the first chance I get.

_______________

Five eventually decided, since we didn’t have a lead, we would just go get drunk and pass out somewhere. I enthusiastically agreed, and we did just that. 

I eventually woke up in Diego’s arms. “Diego! Hallo! Ich dachte nicht, dass du mich magst..?” I said, my speech slurred. “Do you have any idea what he’s saying?” He asked Luther, who was carrying Five. He shook his head.

“Well, we can’t go back to the house, it’s not secure. Those psychopaths could come back at any moment.” “My  
place is closer, no one will look for him there.” I heard Five giggle “If you vomit on me-“ “You know what’s funny? I’m going through puberty! hah, Twice.” He smiled “I drank that whole bottle, didn’t I? well, that’s what you do when the world you love goes bye-bye. Poof, it’s gone.” He said. I laughed, “Ich werde diesen ort vermissen...” “Me too! Wait, what were you guys talking about?” Luther sighed “Two masked intruders attacked the Academy last night.” “They came looking for you!” Diego added “So, I need you to focus, what do they want?” Five sighed “Hazel and Cha-Cha.” “Who?” “You know, I hate code names.” “Ah, the best of the best. Except for me, of course. And Sam. He was good, too.” “The best of what?” “You know, i’ve always liked when you talked in german.” “danke!” Diego turned around “Hey! I need you to focus. What do this Hazel and Cha-Cha want? We just wanna protect you.” Five giggled “Protect me? I don’t need your protection, Diego! Do you have any idea how many people I’ve killed? No. I’m the four frickin’ horsemen. The apocalypse is coming.” Five then proceeded to vomit on the ground “You better not do that.” Diego said, looking down at me “Keine zusagen...” 

_______________

He eventually put me down in his little boiler room apartment thing’s bed, next to Five. It was pretty nice, all things considered. Five was already asleep, but I was too stubborn to.  
“Funny. If I didn’t know Five was such a prick, i’d say he looks almost adorable in his sleep.” “How did he even get a boyfriend?” “I don’t know. It’s part of the reason why I don’t trust Sam, to be honest.” Luther said. I would’ve taken offence, but I was too drunk to care at this point. Diego walked across the room “I need to find out what Five’s connection is with these lunatics before someone else dies.” Luther looked at Five “All that stuff he was saying before...what do you think he meant by that?” Diego wasn’t listening, he was paying more attention to whoever was making that footstep noise. He pulled out one of his knives and walked towards the door. “You throw another one of those goddamn knives at me, i’m pressin’ charges!” A man yelled. Diego sighed, letting him in “What do you want, Al?” He asked “Some lady called for you, said she needs your help.” “What lady?” “I dunno, some, uh, detective. I think she said her name was, uh, Blotch or somethin’.” Diego paused “...Patch? She needs my help-“ “She needs you to meet her at that motel, a dump on Calhoun.” “When?” “About half an hour ago. She said she found your brother.” Al left, and Diego looked over at Five “Well, that didn’t make sense....” Luther and Diego looked at eachother, saying “Klaus.” in unison. “Go, i’ll wait here with-“ Diego had already left by the time Luther said that. 

“-....Them.” 

_______________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to combine two episodes into one chapter. Hope you like the early update!


	4. Number Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Handler exists
> 
> (I HAVEN'T ABANDONED THIS FIC IM GONNA UPDATE IN DECEMBER IM JUST BUSYYYY)

I eventually fell asleep, but I barely dreamed. If I did, it was mostly just replays of events that happened during my time in the post-apocalyptic wasteland i called home for 40 years. And I doubt you could call them dreams, because they’re not. They’re just replays of events that traumatised me. 

The apocalypse wasn’t pleasant, to say the least. 

By the time I actually woke up, Five was already awake and explaining everything to Luther. Luther, of all people. Why couldn’t Diego have stayed? I mean, I disliked him, but atleast he wasn’t goddamn Luther. 

“So, when’s it supposed to happen? This..apocalypse.” “Well, I can’t give you the exact hour, but, from what I could gather we have 4 days left.” Five explained. “Why didn’t you say something sooner?” Luther said, I couldn’t tell if he was angry, or that was just his general demeanour. “It wouldn’t have mattered.” “Of course it would! We could’ve banded together and helped you stop this thing!” I rolled my eyes “You failed the first time, dumbass. What makes you think you’ll be able to stop it this time?” “What do you mean?” Luther asked. Five sighed “...I found all of you. Your bodies.” “We die?” “Horribly.” I could tell Five wasn’t exactly comfortable with this conversation. “You were together, trying to stop whoever it was that ends the world.” Luther looked down “Wait, how do you know that?” Five quickly pulled out the eye from his pocket “This was clutched in your dead hand when I found you.” He threw it to Luther.

So, that’s why he was so attached to it. I had my suspicions, of course, but he never talked about it, and I never pushed for information. As much as he pretended he didn’t, I knew he cared for his family. Just as much as I cared for mine. 

“Must’ve ripped it out of their head right before you went down.” He said. Luther inspected the eye, “Who’s head?” “Like I said, I don’t know.” Luther turned the eye over “Well, there’s a serial number on the back, think maybe you could try-“ “-No, that’s a dead end. It’s just another hunk of glass.” Luther handed the eye back to Five. 

Diego slammed the door open, causing me to flinch. God, I hated loud noises. “Piece of shit.” He ran down the stairs. Luther stood up “Do you have any idea what you just did?” Diego said, half yelling. He basically launched himself at Five, only to be held back by Luther. The fuck? “No- Let me- Get your ape hands off of me!” Diego struggled in Luther’s grip. He was literally being held off of the ground. “I can do this as long as it takes for you to calm down.” Luther said calmly. Did holding a fully grown human have literally no affect on him? I mean, I get he has super strength, but..damn. Diego struggled for a bit more, but eventually said “...Fine.” and got let back down by Luther. “Now, wanna tell us what you’re talkin’ about?” Luther asked. “Our brother and his friend have been pretty busy since they got back. They where both in the middle of that shootout at Griddy’s, and then at that damn street, after the guys in masks attacked the Academy, looking for them.” “None of which is any of your concern.” Diego stared at him angrily “It is now. They just killed my friend.” Five continued to stare back quietly. How was that our fault? It was his friends fault they got tangled up in this. Luther turned to us “Who are they, Five?” Five paused. “They work for my former employer. A woman called The Handler. She sent them to stop me. Then, as soon as Diego’s friend got in the way, well, fair game.” “Well now they’re my fair game. And i’m gonna see to it that they pay.” Diego stated, turning to leave the room. “That would be a mistake, Diego, they’ve killed people far more dangerous than you.” Five said “Yeah? We’ll see about that.” Diego said, slamming the door as he left. 

_______________

“Former employer? What’s this really about, Five? And don’t give me any of this ‘It’s none of your business’ crap, alright?” Luther asked. Five paused, looking up at Luther “Well, it’s a long story.” 

He explained exactly what happened with The Handler, much to my dismay. I hated the woman with a burning passion. So much to the point that if i ever saw her again, I would’ve sent her into hell almost immediately. 

“They turned us into the perfect instruments for rehabilitation of the time continuum, or ‘corrections’, as they call them. I wasn’t the only one, there are others like me. Beings out of time, fractured, extracted from the lives that they knew. I don’t know how they got there. But I do know none of them were as good as us.” Five explained.

“They didn’t realise it, but I was biding my time. Trying to figure out the right equation so we could get back. If we could just get back, I knew I could stop the apocalypse. Save the world.” He paused “So, we broke our contract.” 

_______________

“So, you where hitmen?” Luther asked, handing Five a cup of coffee. “Yes.” “Uh- I mean, you had a code, right? You didn’t kill just anybody?” “No code. We took out anyone who messed with the timeline.” Luther looked concerned “What about innocent people?” “It was the only way I could get back here.” “But that’s murder!” Five rolled his eyes “Jesus, Luther, grow up. We’re not kids anymore. There’s no such thing as good guys or bad guys. There’s just people, going about their lives. But when the world ends, all those people die. Including our family.” Five sighed “Time changes everything.” 

_______________

We eventually returned to the academy. I had to admit, I was getting sick of this place. It just...felt dysfunctional. Like the family’s problems weighed onto the house and made it almost unbearable to stay in for more than an hour. Probably less time without Five. It sounds pathetic, really, but I did feel better with him there. I don’t know what i’d do without him. 

Five knocked on Klaus’ door “You okay?” he asked. “Hey. Yeah- I just- Long night.” Klaus said, shakily. “More than one, from the looks of it.” “Yeah.” “Don’t remember the dog tags.” Klaus sighed “Yeah- They belonged to...a friend.” ”How about that new tattoo?” Klaus shoved his shirt on “You know, I don’t totally remember even getting it. Like I said, it was a long night.” Five looked at him “You did it, didn’t you?” “What are you talking about?” Five walked into the room “You know, I can recognise the symptoms, Klaus.” “Symptoms of what?” “The jet lag, full body itch, headache that feels like someone shoved a box of cotton up into your nose and through your brain. You gonna tell me about it?” Klaus looked up at us “Your pals, when they broke into the house and they couldn’t find you, they took me hostage instead.” “And in return you stole their briefcase.” “Yeah. I thought there was money in it, or I could pawn it, or whatever. And then I opened it.” “And the next thing you knew, you were...where? Or should I say when?” Five muttered the last part. “What difference does it make?” “What diff- uh- Okay, how long where you gone?” “Almost a year.” “A year? Do you know what this means, right?” “Yeah, I’m 10 months older now-“ “-No, this isn’t some kind of joke, Klaus. Hazel and Cha-Cha will do whatever they can to get the briefcase-“ Five looked around “-Where is it now?” “Gone. I destroyed it. Poof.” “What the hell were you thinking?” “What do you care?” “What do I care? I needed that, you moron, so I could get back!” Five yelled. I grabbed his shoulder “Five. It’s obvious he’s been through a lot, and we all make bad decisions when emotional. Please don’t yell at Klaus.” I said. Five thought for a second “...Fine.” Klaus sighed, standing up. “Interrogation’s over, i’m leaving.” He said, walking out of the room. Five darted over to the desk in the corner of the room and grabbed some paper off of it. He wrote something on it quickly and shoved it into his pocket. 

_______________

Five ended up heading to his room and scribbling equations on the walls. “Okay, I think i’ve got something.” “Hm?” I pulled one my knife out of one of his chairs. “Do tell.” “It’s tenuous, but promising.” Luther entered the room, standing in the doorway, blocking the exit. “What are you two talking about? And what’s all this?” “It’s a probability map.” “Probability of what?” “Of who’s death could save the world.” Five said, continuing to scribble equations on the wall. “I’ve narrowed it down to four.” Luther pointed at the wall “Are you saying one of these four people could cause the apocalypse?” “No, i’m saying their death might prevent it.” Luther looked confused “...I’m not following.” Five turned around to face him “Time is fickle, Luther. The slightest alteration in events can lead to massively different outcomes in the time continuum. The butterfly effect. So all I have to do is find the people with the greatest probability of impacting the time line, wherever they may be, and kill them.” He hopped off the bed and flipped through his notebook. “Milton Greene, so who is he, a terrorist or something?” “I believe he is a gardener.” “You can’t be serious. Wait, this is madness Five, you-“ Five pulled out a large gun from under his bed. “Wh- Where’d you get that?” “In dad’s room. I think he used it to shoot a rhinoceros. It’s similar to the model I used at work. Nice shoulder for and highly reliable.” “But you can’t! This guy, Milton, is just an innocent man!” “It’s basic math. His death could potentially save the lives of billions. If I did nothing, he’d be dead in four days anyway. The apocalypse won’t spare anyone.” “We don’t do this kind of thing.” Luther said “We are not doing anything. I am.” Five stated “I can’t let you go and kill innocent people, no matter how many lives you’ll save.” “Well, good luck stopping me.” Luther looked around, quickly spotting Five’s notebook. He grabbed it and dangled it out the window. Five immediately turned around and pointed the gun at Luther. I had already pointed my knife at him, trying to calculate how exactly to get us out of this situation. “Put. That. Down. You have no idea what you’re holding.” “Put the gun down. You’re not killing anyone today. I know this book is important to you, so don’t make me destroy it.” Five held the gun tightly, pointing it at Luther. “It’s either this, or the gun. You decide.” Five didn’t put the gun down, so Luther chucked the notebook into the street. Five immediately dropped the gun and teleported after it while I threw the knife right next to Luther’s head. By the time Five walked back into the room, and placed the book down, Luther was holding the gun. “I can keep doing this all day.” Luther said “I know you’re still a good person, Five. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have risked everything coming back here to save us all. But it’s not just you two anymore.” Five sighed, sitting down on the bed. It was a pity I couldn’t stab Luther in the neck. “There is one way.” Five said, turning to Luther, “But it’s just about impossible.” 

“More impossible than what brought you back here?” 

_______________

We eventually arrived at some kind of highway. Five took his seatbelt off and looked out of the window. “You know, I never enjoyed it.” He said “What?” “The killing. I mean, I was…I was good at my work, and I...I took pride in it. But it never gave me pleasure.” He sighed “I think it was all those years alone. Being the only two people left on the planet can mess with your head.” “Yeah, well, you were gone for such a long time. I only spent 4 years on the moon, but that was more than enough.” Luther looked at the faux briefcase we had in the car. “Do you think they’ll buy it?” He asked “Well, What I do know is that they’re desperate. It’s like a cop losing his gun. If The Commission finds out, they’ll be in deep shit. Oh, not to mention the fact that they’ll be stuck here until they get it back.” “Well, I should hold onto it.” “Hm?” “In case they make a move on you.” Five nodded “Okay, Luther, but be careful. I mean, I’ve...I’ve lived a long life, but...You’re still a young man. You got your whole life ahead of you. Don’t waste it.” He said. That sounded strange coming out of a 13 year old Five, in my opinion. 

A car began approaching us, and we stepped out of the car, Luther holding the briefcase. They stopped a bit away from us, and stepped out of the vehicle. Five walked towards them, and I quickly followed. I wasnt about to let him get hurt by either one of these pieces of shit...Not that they would actually land a hit on him. 

“The masks really necessary?” Five asked them. They quickly pulled them off, and chucked the masks onto the ground. “So where is it, kid?” “Wow, that’s how you’re gonna start. You know, we can get right back into our car and call it a day.” “You won’t even make it half way there.” Cha-Cha said, pulling out her gun. “Maybe, but as i’m sure you found out in your previous foray, my brother is not your average giant.” “He’s right. You dropped a chandelier on him, and he got right back up.” Added Hazel. “By the time you took him out, he’d smash your precious briefcase to a pulp.” Said Five “Probably us too, right? So, how do we help eachother?” “I need you to get in contact with your superior so I could have a chat with her. Face-to-face.” I wondered how Five would stop me from stabbing The Handler to death. It’s not like he could physically restrain me, I was 5 inches taller than him. “About what?” “Well, I don’t believe that’s any of your concern.” Cha-Cha shook her head, “Just don’t tell her about the briefcase.” “Fair enough.”

Cha-Cha walked over to the emergency phone by the side of the road and dialled for The Handler. Five and me walked back to the car and he leaned against it. “What happens now?” Luther asked, “Now we wait.” 

That was until we heard ice cream truck music. And saw Klaus wave to us out the window. I facepalmed.  
“What the hell is he doing here?” Five said, Hazel and Cha-Cha began shooting at us, and me and Five ducked behind Luther. 

Klaus’ truck crashed into Hazel and Cha-Cha just as time began to stop. Five looked at the mess of a situation from behind Luther, and walked underneath his arm. I followed him, and evaluated the situation. Everything except me and Five had been frozen. 

“Neat trick, isn’t it?” Said The Handler. I held back a nasty retort by biting my tongue. “Hello, Five. Hello, Sam.” She said, “You look good, all things considered.” “Wish I could say the same about you.” I muttered. “It’s good to see you again.” Said Five, ignoring my comment. “Feels like we met just yesterday. Course, you were a little bit older then. Congratulations on the age regression, by the way. Very clever. Threw us all off the scent.” “Ah, well, I wish I could take the credit. I just miscalculated the time dilation projections and...Well, you know, here we are.” He gestured to the both of us. “You realise your efforts are futile. So, why don’t you tell me what you really want?” “Well, I want you to put a stop to it.” “You realise what you’re asking is next to impossible, even for me. What’s meant to be, is meant to be. That’s our raison d’être” Five pulled out a gun and pointed it at her. “Yeah? well how about survival as a raison?” “I’ll just be replaced. I am but a...small cog in a machine. This fantasy you both have been nurturing about summoning up your family to stop the apocalypse...is just that. A fantasy.” She stepped towards us, “I must say, though, we’re all quite impressed by your initiative, your...stick-to-itiveness, really quite...quite something. Which is why we want to offer you, new positions back at the Commission...in management.” A part of me hoped Five would shoot her dead then and there. Five laughed “Sorry, what’s that now?” “Come back to work for us again. You both know it’s where you belong.” “Well, it didn’t work out to well the last time.” “But you wouldn’t be in the correction division any longer. I’m talking about...the home office. You’d have the best health and pension, and an end to this ceaseless travel. You’re a distinguished professional in...schoolboy shorts. We have the technology to reverse the process.  
I mean- you both can’t be happy like this!” “We’re not looking for happy.” “We’re all looking for happy. We can make that happen. We can make you...yourself again.” Five looked around “And what about my family?” “What about them?” “I want them to survive.” The Handler sighed “All of them?” “Yes, all of them.” “Well, i’ll see what I can do. Do we have a deal?” “One thing.” Five said, then he walked to Hazel and Cha-Cha and took the bullets out of their guns. He then chucked them away and adjusted the bullet heading towards Luther so it would miss. He then grabbed me, and took The Handler’s hand. 

_______________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS TOOK TOOOO DAMN LONG
> 
> sam’ll talk more in season 2 btw
> 
> also more sam sass next episode
> 
> 6/11/2020: yes i will update this soon


End file.
